As I sit down to write, I am not even sure I will be any good at this and yet again those insecurities rear their ugly head as I step out of my comfortable hiding place. I realize I have been here many times before, in this unfamiliar situation and with each time I can see that I continue to grow. Sometimes it is amazing and other times a lesson to be learnt and what I know is that I could be like marmite, either love me or hate me but that is OK. (Personally, I love marmite!)
As the Year 2020 is ending I have found myself reflecting each day on the year I have experienced or in fact what really comes to mind is the past 2 years.
For those that know me well, those I have just met and those I am yet to meet, I always show up with an open heart and friendly smile because truth be told you are the people that bring me joy for the individual you are, the potential and adventure you share on life's journey. I am always curious and genuinely interested and I love to purposefully look for all the good of who is standing in front of me and continually become amazed and inspired. Life and people are truly extra - ordinary!
But .... beneath the smiles, kindness, and warmth there are many layers, I have allowed myself to hide for the simple purpose of wanting more for others than myself. The pain, helplessness, sadness I have felt, the fear of not being good enough to help those I care dearly for as they experience life challenges. The feelings of doubt when I have shared too much or not enough. That unsettling feeling I get when my ego pops up and wants my friends or family to believe in me and what I do, instead of believing in myself. The heartbreak I feel when I cannot do enough or be there enough. The overwhelming emotion when I see such sadness in the world it dims my light and why I sometimes feel I do not belong.
Yes, these are the parts you may not know about me.
I have experienced trauma from something as simple as not coming first in a gymnastic competition that I worked so hard towards to time of deep sadness and heartbreak from several miscarriages, the loss of my dearly loved youngest brother and beautiful sister-in-law at such young ages and through traumatic circumstances. But through each journey I can see how much I have learnt and the strength, courage, perseverance, and belief that things will be OK, I have got this! Through each experience I have grown through what I have been through and I not just overcome my challenges I have moved through them and as I experienced it in the moment, I questioned my own beliefs (still do) each experience reminds me of this human experience I am exploring.
The roller coaster ride of emotions, the strength that can be found even in the darkest of days. A new friend I have been gifted to have met shared a story that gets her through the illness she is experiencing and no matter what her pain is she purposefully looks for the tiniest window of light, keeps looking until she finds the gap and acknowledges it with a lightened heart knowing that something can be found you need to look.
Each time you find it, open it a little further and just be kind to yourself with where you are right now. This is a gift to me as I have experienced this for myself in my own way and see the wisdom and strength in my family and friends that had their own challenges. I hope this gift will help you too.
So, as I look out and through the past two years, I have been gifted with many lessons, people, and experiences and what I want you to know about me is I am continuing to grow through what I go through, and I understand more now than ever in my belief about love as the greatest superpower is becoming more powerful with every lesson.
When there has been loss, the grief is the part that I miss and it is not that it completely disappears over time but what I believe is that each day becomes a little more familiar without the person, place, thing that has been lost. They are not forgotten, it is simply different and what I do know is if I want to find the parts I miss, I can find them in the people or other places I choose to surround myself with.
The loss I feel of my children as they are becoming incredible adults but the same happiness I see in them now is the same as what I missed when they were small.
My brothers’ sense of adventure and nature I can experience as I watch my children as they look to explore, travel, surf, ski, play, and dance through life's adventures.
I see this in myself too as I share great adventures with my husband, family, and friends.
The gift of my sister-in-law and how she fully embraced and lived her life as if she did not have a condition. The most incredible gift she gave to me was from a note and a mantra.
The note to my brother read ‘Tell Claire that I don’t think I would have survived the night if it weren’t for her’ this to me was a gift because I just showed up with love even though I felt helpless at the time, but I was able to find a little light to have been part of her journey through the saddest of times.
The greatest gift was her own little mantra ‘Grow through what you go through’ and as I choose to remember her, I look for all my friends, family, and people I am so blessed to meet or be working with and I see those gifts of strength, courage, and wisdom in them.
Thank you to my children Liliana, Jack and Sebastian who have been my greatest teachers and have taught me how to love unconditionally, patience, courage, perseverance, adventure and so much more.
My husband who loves me unconditionally and the wonderful adventures he dares me to take and be brave. My mum and dad for the lessons, the strength that I have seen in them. My beautiful and incredible sister Carley who has the greatest heart, my brother Richard for his compassion, determination and strength and their continued love for being exactly who they are.
Thank you to Chris family for always welcoming me with such kindness and open hearts.
Thank you to my incredible friends that support and inspire me every day as they move through their own journey’s.
Thank you to the incredible and extra – ordinary people I have had the pleasure to have been part of their lives as we have worked together as clients or colleagues.
So, now I know that through the challenges I can find joy and love through the experiences and I can choose to feel differently. Recognize and acknowledge what I did do and will continue to do as I move through life’s journey learning, trusting in myself even with the doubts and will continually show up with an open heart and a smile as I hold in my heart, I will always choose to Grow through what I go through!